fruit jenga

"The various liberations (in education) wasted that marvelous energy and tension, leaving the student's souls exhausted and flaccid, capable of calculating, but not of passionate insight."
Allan Bloom, The Closing of the American Mind

I never write anything that requires thought. I have slowly drifted away from that, and I think it is mostly because of my major. That is right. Biology has sucked my soul dry. I haven't written a song in ages, and very little of what I write is creative anymore. I don't have time for those sorts of mental exercises. No, it isn't quite like exercise- it takes the time and the work (in a mental sense) but is more like an exhalation. It is letting everything that is already inside just come out.
Everything I love is artful to me, and that includes science. Most think that science and the arts are opposing forces. In the sense of practical and abstract, that may be true to a certain extent...but somehow I see them as intricately connected. Science is art to me, but it is art that we cannot make-we can use it, uncover it, and build off of it, but it was never something able to be created by human hands or contrived by human minds. Perhaps science is comprised of what we take in, while art is what we let out.
I get really excited and worked up when I start thinking about certain aspects of science- I just can't get over the complexity of it all, and the incredible processes that must go on unseen every day for someone to function even for a millisecond. You wouldn't believe it. I know maybe 0.02% of it all, and I can't believe it.
I get just as worked up about literature too- words in general I guess. If I start reading Neruda or Marquez or T.S. Eliot or a host of others, I get carried away. Even a book full of good photographs could keep me occupied for hours. I have often thought that I would be just as happy as a liberal arts major as I am in the college of science. I am not so sure anymore. Science is mentally exhausting, but all the arts are emotionally exhausting for me. I love them too much.
Things I would like to major in: English, Linguistics, Art History, Visual Studies (like photography and design stuff), Spanish, Anthropology, Geography (yeah I am one of about 5 people that really enjoy it), sociology. I think I would find plenty more if I perused the list of majors.
Anyway, back to the topic...I don't think deeply much anymore- I think on complicated things, but those things are more like biochemistry rather than social issues. I sort of figured out why today.

I was in HEB and looking at all the fruit, when I reached for an apple. Upon pulling it out of its place, another apple rolled, and then the entire display cascaded downward. It is one of those cartoonish nightmare kind of things that one might imagine, but never actually have it happen. Well, it happened to me. There were granny smiths rolling all over the floor. It was like I had just lost a high stakes game of fruit jenga. Carts rolling by had to be stopped and routed around the apple obstacle course as their drivers supressed (or didn't supress) laughter. It was quite funny, looking back. I laughed as it happened, as apples were careening off the display and falling to my feet in slow motion. I didn't bask in the glory of the humor, though, because inside I was mortified as I frantically ran after all the renegade apples and tried to retrieve them all before the management made me buy them, or something
But that is exactly how it is when I start thinking about social issues, or art, or literature- I start and then cannot stop. I get so carried away by it all that it is completely time consuming. My mom never had to worry about me being entertained when I was younger, because if I had a book I would be set for hours on end. That life and passion is still in me I think, but I am always held back by responsibilities, and what the world deems utterly necessary. I just do enough to get by in school, and that is most of my life. It takes so much out of me that I make no time for other things. It is kind of sad. I miss that side of me. Everything that I feel was thoughtful, contemplative, and artful inside of me has atrophied, I fear.

Dang, I can't beleive it is this late. I was supposed to be studying for biochem.
and therein lies the problem.